[68WarDog]

We have 4 kids. 2 girls and 2 boys. All have left home and established some impressive lives for themselves, except the youngest boy,. He's 28, turns 29 next month, but has convinced the wife he still " haven't found himself ". I really don't know what that mean. He's been out of college for about 7 years, and putting him out of the house isn't an option the wife wants to hear. When is it time to force a child out of the house ?

[grandam1979]

Start making him pay rent and for food and also supply his own hygiene products you might be amazed how fast he figures it out. I would charge him the going rate for a nice apartment not a room.

[Elarson]

A girlfriend and a total lack of privacy at your house would be one method. Too bad you have no control over the girlfriend part.

Eric

[Cardo]

26th birthday is it in my book. That's more than enough time to get through college and get established. That'll inspire him to "find himself".

[JSuchma]

Originally Posted by grandam1979

Start making him pay rent and for food and also supply his own hygiene products you might be amazed how fast he figures it out. I would charge him the going rate for a nice apartment not a room.

It worked like a charm for us! In fact, my wife was the one that wanted him out. He's 29 now, has a home and is making more $ than me.

[68WarDog]

Originally Posted by grandam1979

Start making him pay rent and for food and also supply his own hygiene products you might be amazed how fast he figures it out. I would charge him the going rate for a nice apartment not a room.

He makes a "token " monthly contribution, but nowhere near actual cost. Wife and I are comfortable retirees. He volunteers at the wife's church and he's not interested in the military ( my recommendation) in "finding himself "with the possibility of some directions . And he definitely not interested in helping out in the garage. My oldest son feels he too lazy to come and stay with him, just for a short time.

[The Champ]

It sounds like he's with you for life as long as you let him stay.

My nephew (my oldest sister's son) is over 50 year's old, single and still lives at home with his mom. Her husband passed about a year ago, so it's just the two of them in the house.

To his credit, he does work, but I have no idea how much he contributes to the household expenses.

[Cliff R]

I have a daughter and a son, Steph and Matt.

Steph went to college, got a degree, on to another degree and is now Directer of Nursing at a huge nursing home, owns a 7 acre Eastate, 6000 sq ft house, married to a great husband with a fantastic career and two children, she is 37.

My son Matt is 41 and never has "found himself". He got involved with the "wrong crowd" at age 15-16 and went downhill from there. Coincidentally the two "characters" he got hooked up with way back in High School are dead, one from a car wreck the other from a heroin overdose. Up to that point he was doing great, but shortly after choosing that path quit the golf league (no kidding at all he could give Tiger Woods a run for his money, even two this day he can drive a golf ball to greens and can't even see with a set of binoculars!) and school sports, started smoking like a chimney, and doing pretty much everything you wouldn't want your kid into.

We enrolled him at OSU and he went one semester, but never attended single class, just partied his ars off and left me with a big bill to pay. Culinary school was next, he made it thru but more troubles close to the end (got a classmate pregnant) and I ended up forcing him into the Air Force.

He flunked out there too after 6 years (got hooked on pain killers) and ended up divorced, two kids in another State and him in my basement.

It's been a roller coaster ride every since, a few high points and just when you think he's on the right path.....ROCK BOTTOM once again.

I've tried EVERYTHING and still here we are, pretty much the same as the day he showed up, but now I have two grand kids to raise for him.

Cell phone in his face 24/7, or Play Station, or whatever they do with that sort of chit. COUNTLESS jobs, some really good ones, but it ALWAYS ends up the same, unemployed and still in my basement.

Addiction takes many forms, and that's what ALL this is about. Cell phones, alcohol, drugs, gaming, or just plain being a "turd" and happy with that deal. As a parent I've tried EVERYTHING, being a dad, trying to get him into the business (employer), friend, father and kicking the chit out of him a few times when it was well deserved. NOTHING that I or we can do makes one damn bit of difference in the end. You may see some superficial improvements from time to time, but most of it is "spoken words" as these sort of folks have developed a survival system unlike any other I've seen. They will tell you something you know damn well is pure BS and by the time they get done you've got to slap the chit out of yourself because you are starting to believe that nonesense!

The wife buys into ALL the BS (slapping herself wouldn't help) so it's a constant battle between us and no reality checks for her makes any difference.

So basically I can tell you what the problems are with a child that just can't seem to connect the dots, but certainly I have no answers on how to fix it. Tough love doesn't work, rehab (twice) waste of time/funds, even let him go to jail (the wife makes sure my wallet prevents that when those things come up) once and didn't phase him in the least. At the end of the day I have someone we raised to be a good person and a contributing member of society who just lives to serve himself and no one else.

Rant over, and now the bad news. IF you made it to the bottom of this read and have a solution that I haven't tried, ABSOLUTELY let me know about it because I've tried all of them.........

[dhutton]

The problem is the parent(s) who enable the child imho. Until the enabling stops nothing will change…

Don

[67drake]

I’m not going to give my life story here, but I battled alcohol and to some extent drugs when I was young too. Absolutely don’t let an addict or alcoholic off the hook by enabling them! I eventually got a job that I excelled at, stayed there over 30 years, and got my act together. Now I have a great family and am ready to retire early. None of this would have happened if my parents would have let me live rent free at their home.
Many people think “It’s my kid, I can’t let them live on the streets!” BS! It’s their choice and life NOT yours!
Don’t expect them to transform overnight either. Let them take their own path and make it on their own. It might be ugly at first, but if they want to make a life for themselves, they will, all by themselves. No need to baby , judge, or prod them. Let them go, be supportive and positive, but don’t carry them.

[Cliff R]

Your are absolutely correct, that's how it gets started an continues. I'm a doorstop, my wife is the enabler.

However, the words are easy to say but difficult if not near impossible to put in place, and your decision to kick them to the curb could pretty much ruin the rest of your life.

Case in point. One of my very best friends has (or had) the EXACT same scenario as we do. He finally got completely fed up with the BS, kicked his son out of the house and changed all the locks. He'd been dealing with the crap for close to 20 years. Shortly after his son did 6 months in prison for some drug charges. The day he was released his parents picked him up, took him down to a local hotel they had rented for him for a month,and gave him $200 cash.

My friend lined him up with a job cleaning up construction sites for a local contractor. He was to be picked up the next Monday in front of the hotel by the contractor for a ride to work. He didn't show up for his ride and disappeared.

Three days later they found him rolled up in a rug in a dumpster in Columbus, the death is a mystery and never been solved...........so much for "tough love"............

PS: I'll add here that I'm not on here to tell a sob story or anything of the sort. If anything I say can help someone else or if anyone has any answers I'm all ears. I'm out of ideas at this point.

[67drake]

Originally Posted by Cliff R

Your are absolutely correct, that's how it gets started an continues. I'm a doorstop, my wife is the enabler.

However, the words are easy to say but difficult if not near impossible to put in place, and your decision to kick them to the curb could pretty much ruin the rest of your life.

Case in point. One of my very best friends has (or had) the EXACT same scenario as we do. He finally got completely fed up with the BS, kicked his son out of the house and changed all the locks. He'd been dealing with the crap for close to 20 years. Shortly after his son did 6 months in prison for some drug charges. The day he was released his parents picked him up, took him down to a local hotel they had rented for him for a month,and gave him $200 cash.

My friend lined him up with a job cleaning up construction sites for a local contractor. He was to be picked up the next Monday in front of the hotel by the contractor for a ride to work. He didn't show up for his ride and disappeared.

Three days later they found him rolled up in a rug in a dumpster in Columbus, the death is a mystery and never been solved...........so much for "tough love"............

PS: I'll add here that I'm not on here to tell a sob story or anything of the sort. If anything I say can help someone else or if anyone has any answers I'm all ears. I'm out of ideas at this point.

That’s a horrible story and I feel for the parents, but THEY didn’t contribute to their sons death, he did it on his own. I’m not trying to be callous or cold, but people have to be responsible for their own decisions. Note I said be supportive and not judgmental, but from my experience it’s the first step towards them making it. Enabling just delays the outcome while making everyone else around them part of their drama.

[Cliff R]

Agreed, tough love can come at a tough price. You just have to decide IF you are willing to take that risk?.......

I also firmly believe at this point that IF they don't want to get better, then there isn't anything anyone can do anyplace that will make any difference.......

For those reading this these problems start at a young age and you may or may not see it coming or be able to get them back on the "path". I thought back when my son was 15-16 years old that he just was going to learn that hanging out with the wrong sort of folks would a brief and educational experience and he'd realize that there is no future in that deal. Some 25 years later I'm still wondering if he even knows where the right path is?........

[Scott65]

Originally Posted by 67drake

That’s a horrible story and I feel for the parents, but THEY didn’t contribute to their sons death, he did it on his own. I’m not trying to be callous or cold, but people have to be responsible for their own decisions. Note I said be supportive and not judgmental, but from my experience it’s the first step towards them making it. Enabling just delays the outcome while making everyone else around them part of their drama.

This mirrors my experience. My parents divorced over the divide between enabling and not enabling. In the end my brother died at 37 from an overdose. No one's fault but his own. No matter how needless, or sad, he chose his path.
The most profound way I've heard the advise to not enable was by a pro. He was a psychologist who'd personally battled alcoholism. He put it like this, "addiction cannot exist in a vacuum". FWIW

[67drake]

Originally Posted by Cliff R

I also firmly believe at this point that IF they don't want to get better, then there isn't anything anyone can do anyplace that will make any difference.......
...

I agree 100%. Nothing would have changed me. I would give up my friends and family to live my lifestyle. I was looking at felony prison time before I woke up and got help. Everyone has a different story.
If anyone is going through this, PM me and I can give more details about what worked for me. Sorry for getting the OP off track.

[TxSportCoupe]

My mom had a saying. If you get high at home you can get dry at home. And, not working or failure to launch we’re not options.
When a mother Eagle thinks it’s time for baby Eagle to fly she pulls feathers from the nest, exposing stick and thorns until it so uncomfortable that the baby Eagle feels no choice but fly.
That’s how it was at my house. My wife doesn’t see it that way. I’m certain my 25 year old will be with us at 26.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sirrotica]

Unfortunately the laws of mother nature will take over eventually. The weak will perish.

I have a friend that supports this theory, that if left to their own devices they will either get their life together, or they will not make it in the world.

Look at nature and you won't find a mother robin feeding an adult bird, and keeping a nest available for him to stay in. We as humans don't follow natural order, and keep the weak in the gene pool. That is a harsh statement, in our society today, but if you think about it, it's true.

Enabling does just postpone the inevitable, straighten up, and fly right, isn't just a saying, it's just repeating the laws of nature.

If hunter biden was left with no support system, chances are he would have perished by this time. Biden has just delayed the inevitable by baling him out and giving him money, and a place to stay.

If a person has no will to get their life together, no outside influence has much of a chance to change that. The motto "Change comes from within" is still a true statement. I believe that a parent that has made the efforts to try too help offspring, and been unsuccessful, they can't take the guilt upon themselves, that they failed the offspring somehow. The truth is, the offspring has failed, not the parents.

One of the best things that can help change a persons downward spiral is finding God. That seems to me the only outside influence that can make a person change their outlook. at least in my experience, YMMV.

I had a cousin, a few years younger than myself that went down the long road to self destruction. No matter what his mother (my aunt) did it turned out the same. Towards the end, a doctor told him one more bender on alcohol would kill him, that's what he chose, and it did. Previously he got drunk and walked out into traffic and was hit by a car. That caused brain damage, and further hastened the process. Seems if a person is bent on self destruction, no one but the person who is responsible for their life can make the decision to live, or die.

My ex wife was an alcoholic, so I have lived the ups and downs of dealing with this. I finally divorced, and from what I understand she has quit drinking, but nothing I said or did made any difference for 25 years, so I finally quit trying to save her. She must have decided to save herself, because I was unsuccessful at it.

I know this is harsh, but in my experiences, it's true

[Half-Inch Stud]

We sold the home, moved. Kids instantly made good decisions for their own independence.

[68WarDog]

I've read through every word in this thread, and all have some good information. But what seems to be lightly touched on is the affect it can have on the marriage. My wife, along with the her pastor has been the most enabling. She said jokingly " pastor said he ain't going no where", this was after I supported his decision to go stay with a lady he met on line. Yes, I'm a firm believer that people can/should find their own path. But of course, she hear these horror stories while volunteering at the local shelters and anything I say falls on deaf ears. My ONLY reservation is if something was to severely happen to him after I through him out, that would lay heavily on my conscience and possibly end the marriage. There's just no easy answers.

[Stuart]

My graduation present when I got out of high school was a suitcase. I got the message.